While you both may love each other and wish that it could work, it sounds like there is acknowledgment on both ends that this isn’t working. Allow him his journey and continue on yours, one that you’ve already started. Prolonging this with therapy right now is going to frustrate you both. No amount of love is going to fix what you succinctly pointed out—”we have totally different personalities.” You’ve grown, and he no longer fits. The partner you needed and wanted 15 years ago is not the partner you need or want now. He says I spend all my life with AA and my friends. He smokes pot, he’s a mean person, and we have totally different personalities.

  • We don’t allow ourselves to be disrespected or our boundaries to be crossed.
  • By following the right precautions, you can successfully navigate the world of dating and find a thriving, supportive relationship.
  • However, adding to the addict’s shame can undermine an unstable abstinence.
  • We retreated to the place we knew so well at the first sign of irritability or frustration.

You can persevere through anything together if you are on the same page and know that relapse is possible without a solid recovery. Your marriage will undoubtedly be different, but just know that all marriages evolve as the years continue to progress. Darlene, I read your words and was touched by how much I have been through and continue to go through in a “recovery marriage.” I love the top-dog under-dog analogy.

Take care of yourself

There is nothing courageous about being abused, being marginalized and minimized, and being too afraid to leave . That is not a life lesson I want to pass along to my daughter. For one week I felt confident and safe and assured. For one week I saw the promise and potential of an alcohol-free future. On September 7, 2014 I came up for https://ecosoberhouse.com/ air, for the first time in 10 years. The salty taste of swallowed tears stung my throat, I was still gasping from fear and choking on uncertainty, but a weight was lifted. As I saw him pour an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s down the drain, my lungs were able to expand, and with each breath my body became lighter and my mind clearer.

Using relationships as a crutch can prevent real, meaningful recovery from addiction. You cannot understand how it feels to have needs and wants which you are too afraid to ask to be filled. You cannot understand how hard it is to support someone so thoroughly and completely—after years of anger, heartache and painful memories—but feel completely shut out and alone.

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Because this is not ever the person I wanted to be. I also asked him to tell me what it was that he was watching and he refuses to tell me and told me that it’s stupid that I even asked.

You wouldn’t blame a loved one if they got any other chronic, relapsing illness. Addiction is a disease that affects the way a person thinks and reasons. Once it takes hold, satisfying the urge to use or to drink comes first, and people will do anything to get their drug of choice. Addiction has no logic, morals, or reason; it only wants what it wants. It is not a moral failing or lack of willpower – it is a progressive, fatal disease.

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For me, that was the reality of his sobriety—that was the reality I had been avoiding for 10 years, a reality which I didn’t want to admit was mine. My married life was riddled with violence and self-deprecation. I was the victim of How Marriage Changes After Sobriety spousal abuse, physical and mental, and not only did I stay with my abuser, I stayed with him and started a family. Because your partner has probably gone through relationship skills training, you should also learn these skills.

How Marriage Changes After Sobriety

What if they want to take you to a bar or a party with lots of drinking? Even kissing someone with the taste of alcohol on their lips can trigger a recovering alcoholic. It’s best to spend one year working on yourself and building your recovery before dating again. However, many recovering addicts choose not to listen to this advice. If your spouse went through successful detox treatment for a considerable period of time, they might have changed quite a lot. Watch for signs of backsliding into unhealthy ways, including placing blame and verbal abuse.